- A pattern of incidents
- A cycle of abuse
- A leave-return cycle
- The start and escalation of abuse
- Repeat and serial offending patterns
- Help-seeking patterns
You may have heard people talk about patterns or cycles which happen in relationships where there is domestic abuse. In fact, the UK Home Office definition of domestic abuse talks about a ‘pattern of incidents‘. But what do we mean by ‘patterns‘ and ‘cycles‘?
What is being described are the ways in which the behaviours of abusers, and sometimes the behaviours of survivors, repeat, or change in particular ways, over time. Of course, every abusive situation is different, so the person you know may not experience the patterns and cycles described. This does not mean that their experiences are less important or less dangerous.
For many people, there are some similarities in the paths their experiences follow. It can be helpful to understand these, and to look out for them in order to make sense of what is happening in the relationship.
A pattern of incidents
Most domestic abuse is a series of repeated behaviours, used again and again, over time, to control and coerce another person. Abusers often use a variety of different types of cruelty and violence to hurt the person, and to make them fearful.
The types of abuse used, how often they are used, and how severe the abuse is will be different in each situation. However it is likely that more than one type of abuse will be used in an abusive relationship, and that the abuse will happen more often, and will become worse, as the relationship continues.
A cycle of abuse
When people talk about a ‘cycle of abuse‘, they are describing the stages of a process which can happen repeatedly (again and again) in an abusive relationship:
- Stage 1 – tension builds. The survivor, and other people, may sense that the abuser is becoming more and more ‘wound up‘ and that tension is ‘simmering under the surface‘. In response, the survivor will feel very anxious, and on their guard, and will often try to pacify the abuser, doing anything they can to keep the situation calm.
- Stage 2 – an incident of abuse or violence. The abuser uses abuse or violence towards the survivor, her children, or the people (and pets) that she cares about.
- Stage 3 – reconciliation. The abuser tries to move past the abuse, sometimes by saying ‘sorry‘ or that their behaviour will be different (better) in the future, or by using gifts, kindness, or loving words and gestures to the survivor. These behaviours have a particular purpose for the abuser – they are trying to remove the possibility of any consequences from their actions, and keep the survivor within the relationship.
- Stage 4 – period of calm. For a time, peace returns, and often the abuser decides how to justify or explain the abuse, in order to reject any responsibility. This may include: blaming the survivor (or other people), blaming circumstances, minimising the abuse, or denying that it happened. In this stage, the survivor can sometimes feel that whatever triggered the abuse has passed, and that it will not happen again. Or, this stage can make the survivor feel like they are ‘crazy‘ because the abuser’s description of events is so different from what actually happened.
This cycle can repeat again and again, but the length of time within each stage changes. Often the whole cycle, from start to finish, gets quicker over time, and the abuse increases and becomes worse. Sometimes the ‘period of calm‘ will be very short, or disappear completely.
This can be a helpful model to help us to understand some of what is going on ‘behind the scenes‘ in an abusive relationship. However, there are also some important things to remember. The first is that, even within the same relationship, abuse does not always happen in the same way, and many incidents of abuse cannot be predicted – they often happen without warning.
The second thing to remember is that many abusers use abusive behaviours every day towards a survivor, so whilst this model may fit for incidents of physical and sexual assault, it does not necessarily explain the regular and ongoing coercion, controlling behaviours, psychological and emotional abuse, financial and economic abuse, or harassment and stalking, that many survivors experience.
A leave-return pattern
When we speak to people who are experiencing domestic abuse, they say that one of the most unhelpful questions they are asked is, ‘why don’t you just leave?‘ The reason survivors struggle with this question is because it suggests that there is a simple solution, within their control, to a very complicated situation. It also underestimates how much fear and danger are involved in the leaving process, and it implies blame – that the survivor, by remaining in the relationship, is somehow responsible for the abuser’s behaviour.
The survivors we have spoken to have talked about staying in abusive relationships for lots of different reasons, including love, hope that the abuser will change, wanting to stay together for the children’s sake, and fear for safety if they leave. Even if a survivor wants to leave, it can be very difficult to do so for practical reasons – she may have nowhere to go, no money or resources, or she may not know where to go for help. Abusers often isolate people from their family and friends in order to control them, which makes it even more difficult for a woman experiencing abuse to leave.
For these reasons, and many others, lots of women live with domestic abuse for a long time – the average is about 3 years. Or, they return to the abuser after trying to leave. It can take a survivor several attempts to leave the relationship, with many people trying 5 or 6 times to leave before making the final break – often, it is a process not a single event.
The abuser (and other people) may not know about some of these attempts to leave. The survivor may pack a bag, walk out the house, and then realise that she has nowhere to go. Or, fear may overwhelm her as she arrives at a refuge, and so she returns to her house before the abuser gets home.
The abuser may know about some of the attempts, and will use tactics to persuade the survivor to return. Abusers often continue with their abuse, even if the relationship has ended, including actions and threats to scare survivors into returning; convincing her that she will be safer within the relationship than leaving it. Or, the abuser may make declarations of love, commitment, and a willingness to change.
The start and escalation of abuse
Another question survivors are asked is why they did not leave earlier in the relationship, or as soon as the abuse started. Again, this question suggests that situations of domestic abuse are simple, rather than complicated. Almost no one, if they were punched by a potential partner on a first date, or by a family member when they first met, would continue the relationship. But that is not people’s experience of domestic abuse.
Like any other relationship, a relationship which becomes abusive often begins with caring deeply about a person, or falling in love. It is quite unusual for domestic abuse from a partner to start immediately, right at the beginning of a relationship; it often begins slowly and subtly, without physical violence.
Many survivors do not realise that their experiences are domestic abuse until a relationship is more established, which makes it harder to leave, and to disentangle from all the joint things in a relationship (for example: children, property, finances, relationships, commitments, and life goals). Abusers tend to push the speed of a relationship, so that even after just a few months the relationship is very established.
As well as the slower, more subtle patterns of unfolding and increasing domestic abuse, there are also particular times when abuse can start, or can quickly get much worse. These ‘trigger points‘ will be different in every abusive relationship, but there are some patterns. We know, for example, that domestic abuse can start or increase (get worse or happen more often) in pregnancy, or following an act of commitment, such as marriage or moving in together.
Domestic abuse can also increase (get worse or happen more often) over time, and often increases when a survivor decides to end the relationship, or immediately after she leaves or ends the relationship.
When the abuser is a family member, rather than a partner or ex-partner, it can be more difficult to work out when the abuse started, or got worse. Sometimes, abuse begins in childhood and continues into adulthood. Other times, the abuse begins, or becomes worse, after particular life events, or as the relationship changes, for example, if one person becomes more dependent on the other.
And, of course, in any relationship, with someone you love or care for deeply, it is completely normal to have faith in the person when they promise to change. So, even when a person realises that they are experiencing domestic abuse, they often remain in the relationship for a long time, hoping that things will get better.
Even if the person has ended the relationship with the abuser, the abuse and its impacts often continue, particularly if the abuser still has the survivor’s contact details, or has access to the person, for example, if they have children together.
Repeat and serial offending patterns
We know from speaking to survivors of partner abuse, to abusers themselves, and from looking at data from the police and criminal justice systems, that lots of abusers are repeat offenders. Not only do they repeat their abuse again and again in one relationship, but they often abuse multiple people (serial offending). The data shows that more than 20% of current abusers have previous criminal records for domestic abuse. Whilst this is the most obvious group of serial offenders, we know from speaking with survivors, that this is the tip of the iceberg. It has been estimated that, at any point in time, 25,000 serial abusers are known to the police in the UK.
In abusive relationships with partners, survivors sometimes become aware that the abuser was also abusive to previous partners. If the survivor is still in the relationship when she becomes aware of this, the abuser usually denies the abuse, and says that their ex-partner is ‘crazy‘ or is holding a grudge against them. Often, a survivor will not be completely sure what has happened in her ex-partner’s previous relationships. Over time this may change, and the survivor (and other people), starts to realise that there is a pattern to the abuser’s behaviour.
Help-seeking patterns
When it comes to help-seeking, survivors of domestic abuse are much more likely to ask for help from the people around them (their friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues) than from professionals. In fact, they are almost twice as likely to speak to someone they know about their experiences.
The professionals that survivors are most likely to be in contact with, and to tell about what is happening, are police, healthcare staff, and counsellors. Which professionals a survivor tells will depend on how much trust they have in a particular profession. If survivors do go to professionals and specialist services for help, it is often because the situation has become worse, or more urgent/an emergency, or because they have spoken to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues who have supported them to contact professionals.
Help-seeking is rarely a single event, people often reach out for help many times, both during, and after the end of an abusive relationship. People sometimes need different forms of support at different times, but on the whole survivors say that emotional support (listening well) support and tangible support (practical support) are the things which help the most. Women survivors of domestic abuse are more likely to talk to another woman, particularly female friends and sisters.
If people try to get help, and receive negative or unhelpful responses, it can make it really hard for them to try again in the future.
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