The term ‘domestic abuse’ can be very confusing, and people often think that it only refers to a person being physically hurt by their partner. The definition used in the UK (by the government and under law) is actually much wider than this, and includes lots of different types of abuse. The definition also makes it clear that abusive behaviours are not only used by partners, but are often used by ex-partners, and also from one adult family member to another – it is not unusual for the abuser to be a parent, an adult child, a brother or sister, or another member of someone’s family, extended family, or family-in-law.
If you are unsure whether someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, Women’s Aid have produced a checklist which can be a useful starting point. It includes some of the behaviours which are most often experienced by people in an abusive relationship. It does talk about ‘partners’, but similar behaviours are often used by adult family members who are being abusive; which is also domestic abuse. The checklist can be helpful in 2 ways: (i) for you to answer the questions, thinking about what is happening in the relationship of your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, (ii) for you to share the link to the checklist with someone you are worried about, so that they can answer the questions themselves.
Domestic abuse is really common. In the UK, 28% of women (more than 1 out of every 4 women) will experience domestic abuse during their lifetime. Although each person’s experience will be different, there are some similarities, in terms of the types of abuse experienced, and the impacts that the abuse may have.
Types of abuse
Listed below are some of the different types of abuse that people may experience, and examples of behaviours which an abuser may use:
Psychological and emotional abuse
Psychological and emotional abuse are forms of abuse which damage someone’s confidence, self-esteem, and sense of wellbeing. The behaviours of a person who is being abusive may include telling the survivor that they are ugly, unattractive, stupid, or useless. The abuser may accuse the person of things they haven’t done, make them feel as though they are going crazy, or tell them the abuse is their fault. It is common for an abuser to belittle the person in front of others, criticising them, and making them feel small, worthless, or humiliated.
Physical abuse
Physical abuse is a form of abuse which physically hurts or injures someone. Examples include, being slapped, hit, kicked, punched, pushed, beaten up, strangled, burned, pinched, bitten, or hit with an object.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is a form of abuse which forces someone to have sex, or to take part in sexual activities, that they haven’t agreed to, don’t want to do, or don’t feel comfortable with. Sexual abuse also includes using anger or sulking to manipulate someone into sexual activities, having sex with someone while they are asleep (or unable to consent), demanding sex with someone when they are ill or tired, refusing intimacy unless the person goes ‘all the way’, and sharing intimate/explicit images without consent. These behaviours are still abuse if the people are in an intimate relationship, if they are living together, or if they are married. This form of abuse is often the most hidden, because it is really difficult to talk about.
Harassment and stalking
Harassment and stalking are forms of abuse intended to disturb, distress, pester, or intimidate someone. Their purpose is to reduce the person’s freedom, making them feel that they always have to be careful. Examples include, being followed or watched, receiving unwanted contact by any means (mail, texts, calls, emails etc), having their belongings (car, accommodation, phone, computer etc) interfered with, and having activities, communications, and internet use monitored.
Financial and economic abuse
Financial and economic abuse are forms of abuse which limit someone’s ability to gain, use, and keep money and resources. Examples include, preventing or obstructing the person in their work or education, restricting someone’s access to their income or benefits, requiring the person to account for their spending, and building up debt in the person’s name.
Control and coercion
The forms of abuse and behaviours described above are all about one person having power over someone else; controlling and oppressing them, by taking away their independence, and their freedom to live life as they choose. There are other forms of abuse which also restrict someone’s freedom including: stopping them from being in touch with friends and relatives, and restricting their movements (for example, locking someone in a house or in a room, preventing them from using a car, and taking away their passport). Also, the person who is being abusive may impose lots of rules about everyday behaviours, such as eating, sleeping, cooking, childcare, and cleaning, and there may be ‘punishments’ if these things are not done exactly as the abuser demands.
UK Government definition
Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse:
• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotionalControlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
This is not a complete list of all forms of abuse; sadly, people using abusive behaviours can be endlessly creative in the ways they abuse. Abusers may also adapt their behaviours over time, and to different situations and contexts, including after the relationship has ended. But, all forms of domestic abuse have one thing in common; the abuser wanting to have power and control over their partner, ex-partner, or family member. There are some helpful tools which describe how abusers behave in order to gain power and control in a relationship.
Sometimes, abuse will happen only once within a relationship. However, it is much, much more common that people will experience abusive behaviours lots of times, often as a pattern of abuse, over a long period of time. Most survivors of domestic abuse will experience more than one form of abuse, and many will experience lots of different types of abuse. And, domestic abuse tends to get worse and happen more often (escalate) over time, and often continues after the end of the relationship.
As well as behaviours that an abuser carries out, they will often make threats about what will happen if the survivor does not do what they want, if they tell anyone about the abuse, or if they leave the relationship. They may threaten to harm the person, their children, their family members and friends, and their pets. An abuser may also threaten to harm or kill themselves. An abuser makes threats to try to control and manipulate the survivor, to ‘keep them in their place’, and to stop them from making the choices and decisions they want to.
An abuser may also break or damage things which are precious or valuable to the survivor. They do this to ‘punish’ the person, to destroy their freedom (for example, slashing their car tyres, or cutting up their clothes), or as a threat – to make the person feel afraid. If an abuser breaks or damages the things a survivor cares about, they become fearful that the abuser will hurt them, or the people they care about.
It can be hard to tell whether a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, and the friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues we have spoken to have asked us whether there is a ‘spectrum of abuse’ – with some behaviours being better or worse than others. There are definitely some behaviours which indicate that the abuse is becoming more dangerous. But aside from these very dangerous behaviours, whether one form of abuse, or one type of behaviour, is better or worse than another, very much depends on the particular situation and each individual. What the behaviour means to the survivor, and to the abuser, will effect how it feels, and much impact it has. So, for example, threats to make a false allegation about a survivor’s parenting will not harm her physically, but these threats may make her feel scared and anxious, afraid to leave the relationship, and compliant with (agreeing and obeying) the abuser’s wishes. These threats could have a long-term impact, by extending the length of the relationship, reducing the survivor’s confidence as a parent, and possibly affecting her trust in professionals.
Of course, many of the behaviours listed above are criminal offenses, and The Survivor’s Handbook, produced by Women’s Aid, provides useful information about the roles of the police and the legal system in situations of domestic abuse. There are also a number of organisations and services providing confidential legal advice about domestic abuse.
More information about domestic abuse
