Who experiences domestic abuse?
The myths…
There are all sorts of myths (beliefs that are not true) about domestic abuse, including myths about who experiences abuse. Often these myths continue because, like with any other difficult issue, we are uncomfortable with the idea that it could happen to someone like us. To accept that this is true, means that it could happen to me, or to the people I care about. So, believing that it happens to other people is a defence mechanism to stop us feeling worried and unsafe in the world.
Unfortunately, believing that domestic abuse happens to other people also makes us less likely to notice when abuse is happening to people around us – our friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues.
The reality…
In reality, domestic abuse can happen to anyone – of any gender, ethnicity, sexuality, background, class, race, culture, faith, status, and financial position. The only characteristics which directly increase a person’s risk of experiencing domestic abuse are (i) being a woman, and (ii) being younger (under the age of 25). Over the age of 25, the likelihood of experiencing domestic abuse is very similar for all age groups – with people in their 70s, 80s and 90s experiencing domestic abuse from partners, ex-partners, and adult family members.
Another important factor is that women who are separated or divorced are more likely to experience domestic abuse from their ex-partner or ex-husband than women who are currently married, in a civil partnership, co-habiting, single, or widowed. This shows us that, at the point of leaving an abusive relationship (and after leaving the relationship), a survivor may be at greater risk of harm.
From information collected in the UK, we know that:
1 out of every 4 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime
1 out of every 7 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime
So, it is possible (in fact, it is very likely) that there are people you know – your friends, your relatives, your neighbours, or your colleagues – who are currently experiencing domestic abuse, or who have experienced it in the past.
You may find this information surprising, or even shocking. And we know from speaking with women who have experienced domestic abuse, that many of them were also shocked that they, themselves, had had these experiences. If you do not expect to ever experience domestic abuse, it can make it difficult to identify your own experiences as abuse, and to tell other people about what is happening.
In particular, some of the survivors we have spoken to consider themselves to be independent, strong, confident, and ‘feisty‘, with good jobs or careers, and a lot of skills – and they were as shocked as everyone else around them, that it had happened to them.
Who perpetrates domestic abuse?
Anyone can experience domestic abuse, but what about the people who behave abusively? In the same way that we all want to believe the myth that domestic abuse does not happen to the people we know, we also want to believe that no one we know would behave abusively towards their partner, ex-partner, or family member.
However, people of any gender, ethnicity, sexuality, background, class, race, culture, faith, status, and financial position can use abusive behaviours.
Some abusers are violent, aggressive, and abusive towards everyone, or towards many people. But most abusers are not. Some abusers may even appear to other people as nice, reasonable, pleasant, or generous.
Some of the friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues we have spoken to, have told us that they did not like the abuser from the start of the relationship, that they felt the abuser was ‘a bit strange’, or had a negative feeling about them, but at the time they were not sure why.
Other people described how the abuser appeared very pleasant to begin with, but then ‘turned nasty’ when they challenged them, questioned them, or went against the abuser’s wishes.
Data about whether men are more likely to be abusers than women show a mixed picture. Information from GPs (doctors) and hospitals, shows that men and women can both be abusive, whereas information from the police and criminal justice system shows that perpetrators of domestic abuse are much more likely to be male. What the data from both these sources show, however, is that there are gender differences in the motivation behind the abuse, and the harm caused.
For example, a woman is much more likely to use an abusive behaviour in response to violence used against her (as she tries to defend herself). Men who use abusive behaviours are more likely to use repeated abuse, more severe abuse (including violence which causes injuries and threatens life), sexual abuse, more controlling behaviours, and to create greater levels of fear in the person they are abusing. For the domestic abuse cases which go to court, most of the defendants (over 90%) are men.
Domestic abuse is perpetrated by people of all age groups, though around 50% of reported domestic abuse crimes are committed by those aged under 35 years (including people aged 16 and 17 years old).
The UK definition of domestic abuse includes abuse by partners, ex-partners, and adult family members. Research shows that an ex-partner is the abuser in about 60% of criminal cases, a current partner in about 35% of cases, and an adult family member in about 5% of cases.
What are the ’causes’ of perpetration?
When we speak to survivors, and to the people proving informal support, they often want to talk about why a person is behaving abusively. Sometimes they question whether factors, such as drug and alcohol misuse, poor mental health, financial strain, criminal activity, and stressors, such as insecure immigration status, play a role in the situation.
Research shows that people who behave abusively are more likely to have poor mental health, and problems with alcohol and substance use, and that these outside factors can increase the abuse to more dangerous levels.
HOWEVER, and this is important to understand, this does not mean that these factors cause the abuse. Often abusers, and other people (including survivors), will explain the abuse as having resulted from these issues. For example, an abuser might say, ‘It’s the drinking, it makes me go mad and lose control‘, or a survivor might say, ‘He’s been feeling so low lately, if I can just make him happy, I’m sure it would stop…‘
If this were true, everyone who drank a lot, had a period of poor mental health, or was feeling under pressure, would behave abusively. But this is not the case. People who use abusive behaviours make a choice to do so. An abuser may also make a choice to get drunk, or to get high, even though they know that this will make their behaviour worse.
And abusers usually have more control over their actions than they would admit. For example, we know that abusers often target specific people with their abuse, that they wait until they are away from public view to carry out their abuse, and that they purposefully cause injuries that will not be visible to other people. To carry out abuse in this way shows that they are being intentional (choosing who, how, and when they abuse), and that they have a great deal of control over their actions.
One factor which is a strong indicator of future abuse, is past abusive behaviour. In particular, more than 20% of abusers have previous criminal records relating to domestic abuse. Sometimes an abuser will tell a survivor that they have used harming behaviours in other relationships, but they will usually blame the other person, ‘they made me do it’, and will tell the survivor that, ‘their relationship is different‘.
Rather than resulting from a lack of control, most domestic abuse comes from a desire to gain, and maintain, power and control over another person. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict other people’s lives. The types of abuse used by abusers, reduce the equality in the relationship, prioritising one person’s feelings and wishes, in order to make the other person feel less important, and less deserving of love and respect.
More information about domestic abuse
