Domestic abuse has an impact on everyone connected with the situation. Whether this is the first situation of domestic abuse you have come across or not, you are likely to experience some impacts as you try to help. It can be confusing to understand what is happening, why it is happening to someone you know, and what you should say and do. You may also have lots of feelings and emotions about the situation, and about the people involved.
Sometimes you will know the person who is being abusive, as well as the person experiencing abuse, and they may tell you contradictory (different or opposite) things about what is happening in the relationship, which can add to any confusion.
While speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, we have noticed the impact, toll, or burden, that trying to help places upon people. The impacts seem to be greater when the domestic abuse is on-going (or very recent), when the situation is very dangerous, when people are offering informal support over a long period of time, and when the person experiencing abuse is someone they really love and care about.
The following are some of the main impacts that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse have noticed and described to us. It is completely normal to feel a whole range of different emotions about the situation. Everyone’s experience will be different.
The reason we’ve listed potential impacts is to help you think about some of the ways that you, yourself, may have been affected by the situation you’re facing, and to encourage you to actively look after yourself:
Emotional impacts
- You may feel concerned, worried, anxious, or scared for the person you know. You may also feel fearful about your own safety, particularly if the person being abusive has used intimidating or threatening behaviour towards you.
- You may feel helpless, powerless, or stuck. If the situation continues over a long period, you may begin to feel overwhelmed, burnt-out, or stressed.
- You may feel tension, or inner conflict about what to do for the best, particularly if children or dependants are involved. You may also feel a great responsibility for the survivor’s safety, for providing immediate help, and for ‘solving’ the situation.
- You may feel upset, sad, depressed, or tearful because of the situation. You may also feel quite isolated as you offer support, especially if you are the main person, or the only person, who knows about the situation, or who tries to help.
- If you have seen or heard abusive behaviours, you may feel distressed, panicky, or shocked. This can feel worse if what you have seen or heard reminds you of experiences you have had yourself.
- You may feel angry about the abuse, and because it is often unsafe to express anger towards the abusive person, this can make any on-going contact with the abuser really uncomfortable.
- You may feel frustrated about the situation, especially if it seems like other people (including professionals) are offering poor advice and support, or may even be ‘making things worse’. You may also feel a sense of frustration with the woman experiencing abuse, especially if you are worried that her choices and decisions will expose her to further harm.
- You may feel guilt for sometimes feeling impatient with the survivor, and also blame yourself for not knowing more, or doing more to help.
Health impacts
- You may have trouble sleeping, or experience nightmares, which can result in feeling drained or exhausted.
- You may experience headaches, which are often a symptom of stress and tension.
- You may feel sick or ‘churned up’ inside.
- You may find that you don’t want to eat, comfort-eat, or experience some distress around eating.
Relationship impacts
- You may experience reduced contact and communication with the person experiencing abuse. This relationship may become strained and, in some cases, may end. If the survivor has children you may also have less contact with them.
- Your own relationships with friends and family members may become tense, particularly if you disagree about how best to handle the situation.
- Your trust in other people may be affected by your exposure to this situation. It may change how you feel about people in general, or about certain groups of people, for example, men.
Direct abusive impacts
- You may experience threats from the person who is being abusive, to harm you, your property, your belongings, your pets, or the people you care about.
- The person who is being abusive may try to intimidate, belittle, harass, or manipulate you.
- You may experience physical violence from the person who is being abusive.
Practical impacts
- It may take lots of time and energy to help a woman who is experiencing abuse. For example, helping her to move, attending appointments with her, and helping her to get specialist and legal support.
- You may decide to offer accommodation and childcare, which will impact on the space and free-time available to you.
- You may decide to help with money and resources, which will impact your own financial situation.
Most people who are offering support to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse are quick to self-doubt and self-blame regarding their perceived limitations. Many people feel they don’t know enough, aren’t ‘getting it right’, or feel, at times, like they are failing, or have failed, in the support they have offered.
And yet, despite all the challenges, when we speak to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues who are offering support, we hear amazing examples of dedication, loyalty, commitment, sacrifice, determination, resourcefulness, generosity, and love. Your support really matters, so please look after yourself.
If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse
