If you think that your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing domestic abuse, there are lots of things that you can say and do which will be helpful. While you support them, it is important to remember that you need to be patient, because helping a survivor is often a process, and you may need to keep helping over time.
Part of understanding what is helpful to a survivor, is understanding the things that are really unhelpful. We know that most people are not intending to be (trying to be) unhelpful, but lots of people have never faced a situation of domestic abuse before, and so do not always ‘get it right‘.
In these website pages, we describe some of the most helpful things you can say and do, at the different stages of helping a survivor. Sometimes, we also include a few examples of the unhelpful things that people do, so you can see the difference, and try to avoid making these mistakes. We also give you some examples of ways to start asking, and to continue talking with someone about their experiences.
Learn about domestic abuse
One of the reasons why people are not sure what to say or do, is that they do not know much about domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is not something that we talk about a lot, and there are lots of myths (mistaken beliefs) that exist. It is important to find out the truth about what domestic abuse is, who experiences it, who perpetrates it, and why your support is important.
Finding out information about domestic abuse is helpful in two ways: (1) if you understand what is happening, you will be better equipped (more prepared and thoughtful) to offer support. This is much easier for a survivor to engage with – the person you are supporting will feel as though you ‘get it‘; (2) you can pass on the information you learn to other people who want to help, AND to the person you are supporting. People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have mistaken beliefs about domestic abuse. These mistaken beliefs may hold someone back from seeking help.
Ask gentle questions about what is happening
Even when we notice that something is wrong, we often find it difficult to know whether it is a good idea to say something.
If your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing abuse, they may struggle to talk about it. Most people will not start to talk about difficult experiences unless they are encouraged to do so. For this to happen, they will need to be with someone they trust, in a place they feel safe (in particular, when the abuser is not around), and they will need time to talk.
Many people struggle to identify with the terms ‘domestic abuse‘ and ‘domestic violence‘, so it is best not to describe someone’s experiences in this way.
Sometimes people are worried that they will offend (upset or hurt) the person they know if they start to talk or ask about their relationship. However, research shows that most women (whether they are experiencing domestic abuse or not) do not mind if someone who cares about them gently asks about their relationship. It is easier for survivors to talk about what is happening if questions are asked sensitively (carefully and gently) – this shows your kindness and concern for them.
Starting to talk about the behaviours or impacts you notice can feel quite difficult or scary, but there are simple ways to do this. You could start by asking the person a general question about how they are, or about how things are going in their relationship. These questions invite the person to talk about what is happening, if they want to, but also give them the option to choose not to talk about what is happening. Another easy way to start, is to talk about things you have noticed in the survivor’s behaviour, or in the abuser’s behaviour:
There are lots of reasons why people experiencing domestic abuse do not tell others what is happening, or find it hard to talk about their experiences. Survivors need to feel safe, and that they can trust the person, in order to talk about their experiences. If you ask gently, using questions like the ones above, and the person chooses not to talk about the abuse, you must respect this choice. If you try to push the survivor to tell you what is happening, they may close down, stop the conversation, and distance themselves from you.
It is better to let the person know that they can talk to you about anything (including their relationship and how they are feeling) in the future, if they want to. Try not to feel disappointed if the person choses not to talk to you at this time – it is still important that you have let the person know that they can talk to you when they are ready.
More information about how you can help
