How can I keep helping over time?

You may be in a situation where it feels like the domestic abuse has been happening for a long time, or you may be thinking that it is likely to go on for some time. If this is the case, you may be wondering how you can keep offering help and support over time.

Survivors often live with domestic abuse for months, or even years, or they return to an abusive relationship after leaving. Many women try to leave or end an abusive relationship 5 or 6 times before they end the relationship forever – it is often a process, not a single event. Every abusive situation is different, but there are some patterns and cycles that many people’s experiences follow. It can be helpful to understand these, and to look out for them, in order to make sense of what is happening in the relationship. The support you can offer will depend on whether the survivor is staying in the abusive relationship for now, or whether they are thinking about, or taking steps, towards leaving or ending the relationship.

Even after an abusive relationship has ended, you may notice that some effects and impacts of the domestic abuse continue. It may be difficult for your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague to say that they are struggling, feeling wobbly or fragile after the abuse has ended.

One of the best things you can do to help someone over time is to keep ‘the channels of communication open‘. What we mean is: stay in touch with the person, let them know that you care, and occasionally ask some gentle questions about what is happening.

What does long term support look like?

In lots of ways, offering help over time is about doing the same things you have already been doing – noticing, learning about domestic abuse, asking gentle questions, listening well, responding well, signposting, recording, thinking about safety, and offering practical help – long term. This does need patience and perseverance (sticking with it), but survivors of domestic abuse have told us that it was really helpful when a person close to them ‘stuck around‘ and continued to be kind and supportive.

Showing that you care, and are interested in the person, is often about asking very open and general supportive questions, for example:

You do not necessarily need to ask or talk about the abuse, or about the relationship, all of the time. In fact, if the person is hiding the abuse, or does not recognise the behaviours from their partner or family member as harmful or abusive, they may struggle to connect with you, if that is all you ask and talk about.

Survivors have told us about the value of regular interactions with the people they know. For example, going out for a coffee and chatting about usual things, or doing an activity (walking, swimming, knitting, rock climbing…) together. You may not have realised just how important these contacts are for someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. These everyday contacts can help someone to see a life beyond the abuse they are experiencing, to develop trust in the people who might help them, and to increase their confidence and self-esteem.

Even if you do not live near to the person you are supporting, or if their freedom to leave the house is limited by the abuser, you may still be able to stay in touch and to connect. For example, you could play an online game together, chat together by video-conference as you cook, or share pictures of something you have been doing, using email, social media, or an online messaging service.

It is important to remember that staying in touch in these ways may not be possible, or even safe, for a survivor. If the person seems unwilling to be in touch, they may still want to see you or to speak to you, but it may be difficult or dangerous for them to do so. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us about the ‘creative‘ ways they have found to stay in touch, and to be aware of what is happening. For example, sometimes people look at a survivor’s social media account (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) to check whether she is posting anything, and to see if the posts give any information about how she is doing.

Some people stay in touch through another person (for example, if the abuser will not let the survivor see you, but will let them see someone else that you know and trust). And sometimes, people use events and opportunities, like birthdays, to be in touch in a very general way. This type of contact lets the survivor know that you care, and that you are still there for them, without letting the abuser know that you are worried about what is happening in the relationship.

It is about balance in your communication, because not talking about what is happening, and about your concerns, can also be unhelpful. So, a mix of asking gentle questions about how the person is doing, and whether there is anything you can do to support them, and also generally staying in touch, so the person knows you are there for them.

Sometimes survivors leave or end an abusive relationship because things get worse, are harder to deal with, or because of a particular event or ‘trigger’. People are also more likely to leave if they are sure they will get support from other people, especially the people around them. Offering help and support, kindness and care, in a dependable (constant and reliable) way, will help the person to trust you, and to accept your offer of support when they are ready.

One of the questions that we are asked by friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, is how to help a survivor recover from the impacts of their experiences. Experiencing domestic abuse can affect all parts of someone’s life, including impacts on their physical health, emotional and mental health, relationships, and finances. Domestic abuse can also cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – high levels of anxiety caused by very traumatic (frightening or distressing) events. Children and teenagers who have seen or heard domestic abuse, experienced it themselves, or seen the effects of it, can also experience a range of impacts.

The effects of domestic abuse, on survivors and on their children, can last for a few months, a few years, or may continue throughout their lives. But, many survivors do recover, thrive, and flourish, even when some of the impacts continue for quite a long time. The help and support that you give, over time, can be a really important part of this recovery.

Two helpful things you can do to support someone as they recover after domestic abuse, are: (1) continue to be there for the person, offering kindness and care, and (2) signpost them to specialist organisations that can provide professional support. If the impacts of the abuse are high levels of emotion (for example, distress, anger, fear, and depression) you may be too close to the situation to offer the most useful support. Sometimes it can be helpful for the support to come from someone independent, who is not connected with the situation, or from an organisation that specialises in offering this kind of expert emotional support. What you can do is continue to listen well and respond well, and also look after yourself. Listening over a long period of time can be hard, and you may need some support yourself to deal with all that you have heard.

Some people worry that continuing to talk about the domestic abuse, once the person is safe, may be unhelpful, because they think it will remind the survivor about their past experiences. Everyone is different, and each person copes in different ways at different times. Our advice is to be honest with the survivor, and to let her know that you are not sure what would be most helpful. Let her know that the control is hers – agree that if you start talking together about the abuse or the relationship, and she does not want to continue, that she can ask you to stop, without giving a reason, and that you will stop.

Domestic abuse also effects people’s self-esteem (what they think and feel about themselves), and their sense of self-worth (how much they value themselves), so anything you can say or do to help rebuild these will be helpful. For example, telling the person what you like about them, or giving them a compliment about something they have done. Sometimes doing a new activity, especially if you do it together, can also help to increase the person’s confidence in their own abilities.