We all lead busy lives, and sometimes we do not notice all that is happening in the life of someone who is close to us. It may be something specific that you notice, or it may be a more general feeling that things are not OK. Sometimes, we think or feel that something is wrong, but then we start to doubt ourselves, and override (ignore) our thoughts and feelings.
Do trust your gut reaction if something feels wrong




Notice what is happening
Noticing what is happening is an important first step in supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. You may see or hear different types of domestic abuse, and any resulting physical injuries. But, it is more likely that you will notice how the two people interact (how they talk and behave with each other), the behaviour of your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, or the abuser’s behaviour.
Finding out more about domestic abuse, and about the signs you may notice, will mean that you can help better.
Unfortunately, lots of people feel that what happens in other people’s relationships is private, and that they would be interfering (getting involved when no one wants them to) if they tried to help. If you ignore behaviours that seem odd or worrying, you may unintentionally (without meaning to) make the situation harder for the person who is experiencing abuse.
If you ignore what is happening, your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may think that you are not interested in their experiences, that you are not willing to help them, or that the abuse they experience is a normal part of relationships. This can make it difficult for a survivor to recognise her experiences as abuse, and to decide to get help.
Domestic abuse is everyone’s business, and it is important that we all try to help


Notice that someone is experiencing domestic abuse
Every relationship is different, including abusive relationships. Sometimes, from the outside, it can be hard to tell the difference between a relationship that is difficult, unhealthy, or just different from your own relationships, and a relationship where someone is being hurt or abused.
Some of the friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues we speak to, tell us that they had a strong ‘gut reaction‘ or ‘nagging feeling‘ that something was wrong in the relationship. Even before they knew about the abuse, some people felt that the abuser was not a kind, honest, genuine (sincere), or trustworthy person.
The friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues we speak to often ask us where the line is between a relationship which is unhealthy, and a relationship which is abusive. This is a really good question, and not a simple one to answer. Our best answer is that ‘fear’ is the main difference – if a relationship is unhealthy, one or both people may not behave well, but the people are not scared or fearful of each other.
In abusive relationships, there are often patterns and cycles of abuse, AND survivors are scared. They are scared about the things the abuser will say, do, or threaten. And they are scared that anything they say or do will cause the abuser to attack, assault, abuse, punish, threaten, or humiliate them (or other people that they care about). Women who are experiencing domestic abuse are also scared to end the relationship – leaving or ending a relationship can increase the danger.
Domestic abuse is not always easy to notice, even if you know the people well. Also, a survivor may not recognise the behaviours from their partner or family member as harmful or abusive. Abuse that does not leave physical marks or injuries can be particularly difficult to notice. Even if someone is being physically hurt, abusers are often careful to hurt the survivor in ways that no one else will see. For example, they may hurt the survivor on parts of her body which clothes cover.
If you are not sure what is happening in a relationship, and whether there is domestic abuse, a useful starting point is the checklist produced by Women’s Aid. The checklist talks about ‘partners‘, but lots of the behaviours are the same for abusers who are adult family members. The checklist does not include all the possible forms of abuse, but it does include behaviours which are experienced most often. The checklist can be helpful in 2 ways: (1) for you – to think about what is happening in the relationship of your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, (2) for the person you are worried about – to share the link to the checklist, so that they can answer the questions themselves.
It is also important to understand that abusers often behave differently with everyone else, so that they appear kind, friendly, and genuine. The person who is being abusive may also behave well towards the survivor when other people are around. This can make the abuse harder to notice, and can be very confusing for people outside of the relationship, and for the survivor.



Signs that you may notice
As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague you may feel that something is not OK, but you are not exactly sure what is wrong. People outside of the relationship notice different things, and this can depend on the type of relationship they have with the survivor. Women who are experiencing domestic abuse most often talk about their relationship, about the abuser’s behaviour, and about how they are feeling, to their female friends and female family members, particularly their sisters.
Survivors sometimes talk to their parents about what is happening, although lots of people want to protect parents – they do not want to worry them, or to involve them. Other people are not sure that their parents will understand, or will want to help.
Neighbours and colleagues sometimes notice that things are not OK when the domestic abuse, or its impacts, start to spill over. For example, neighbours sometimes hear arguments, shouting, banging, or screaming, or see abusive behaviours. Colleagues sometimes notice the impacts of the domestic abuse, particularly when the abuse affects the survivor’s ability to do her job, when she arrives at work with injuries, or if the abuser stalks or harasses her at work.
You are more likely to notice signs of domestic abuse if you have experienced abuse yourself, if you know other people who have experienced abuse, or if your job involves working with survivors. But, there are also lots of signs that everyone can notice, even in the first situation of domestic abuse they are aware of. Some of the impacts, interactions, and behaviours are easy to notice, others are more difficult. Every situation is different, but some of the common things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:
Physical injuries
You may see or hear a survivor experiencing physical violence and abuse, but it is more likely that will see the resulting injuries.
You may notice that the person has bruises, cuts, burns, bite marks, or other injuries. These injuries happen more often than you would expect (for example, they may have bruises all the time), and may take a long time to completely heal. Sometimes an abuser will hurt someone in the same way, or in the same place on their body, again and again, to stop an injury from healing, or will prevent the person from getting medication or treatment for an injury.

If someone is wearing clothes to hide any injury marks, you may notice that their clothes are not right for the occasion (situation) or temperature – for example, they may wear long sleeves on a very hot day.
Sometimes when a survivor explains how they have hurt themselves, their description does not match the injury marks that they have, and they may not want to seek help from medical professionals.

Interactions between the abuser and the survivor (how they talk and behave with each other)
If you see the abuser and the survivor together, you may notice their interactions (how they talk and behave with each other). In this situation, the type of abuse you are most likely to see and hear is verbal abuse, which is a type of psychological and emotional abuse. You may notice, for example, that the abuser says things which are mean, cruel (horrible) or hurtful, to belittle the person (to make them feel small). Abusers often criticise (find faults with) survivors, make fun of their opinions, beliefs, or appearance, say disrespectful (rude) things about them, or call them nasty names.

This is very different from ‘banter’, which is usually a friendly, playful, and 2-way form of conversation. The purpose of verbal abuse is to control the person, and to make them look and feel small, often in front of other people. You may notice that the conversation is one-sided, instead of both people talking, or that the person who is being abusive says more and more unkind things – becoming louder, nastier, and more aggressive (angry). You may also notice that the survivor looks more and more uncomfortable, embarrassed, upset, and anxious.

Survivors’ behaviour
There are many things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues notice about the impacts of abuse on a survivor, and how her usual behaviour changes. Some of the common things that people tell us they notice, include the following:
>> The person being quieter than usual. If the abuser is with her, the survivor may seem nervous, anxious, or scared, and may struggle to make eye contact
>> If you see the survivor without the abuser, she may receive lots of messages (texts or calls) from the abuser. These messages will ask her where she is, what she is doing, who she is with, and when she will be finished. The person may seem embarrassed or irritated (annoyed) by these messages, but may continue to answer the calls or texts, and may leave earlier than planned. Sometimes, because of the abuser’s behaviour, a survivor may decide it is easier and safer to stop seeing other people.

>> Experiencing domestic abuse is really bad for people’s physical health, and their emotional and mental health. You may notice that a survivor starts to show signs of poor health or emotional distress. For example, she may feel tired, gain or lose weight, struggle with sleep, or visit the doctor more often. Or, you may notice that she feels depressed (sad or low), anxious (nervous or ‘on edge‘), or scared.
>> The person may start to behave differently than usual. For example wearing different clothes, or different amounts of make-up, parenting their children in a different way, or having different standards for cleanliness (tidy and clean) and household chores. You may also notice changes in the way that a survivor is able to use or access money (including different forms of economic abuse). These changes may be signs that an abuser is making lots of rules for the person to follow, particularly if the changes in behaviour are quite big.


>> The person’s ability to do their job, or to study, may be affected. A survivor may seem distracted (thinking about other things), not concentrate as well, miss deadlines, or make more mistakes than usual. The person may arrive late to work, have to leave very punctually (exactly on time) at the end of the day, or take more time off than usual. For some survivors, work or study can be an ‘escape‘ or a ‘safe space‘, and they may find reasons to stay at work, school, college, or university as late as possible.
>> The person may give up on their life plans and goals, including their education, their job, their dreams, and their friendships. This is usually because an abuser is making it difficult for them to continue doing the things they want to. You may also notice that the person’s confidence, self-esteem (what they think and feel about themselves), and sense of self-worth (how much they value themselves) is less. For example, they start saying negative things about themselves, or their abilities.

>> A survivor may ask you to keep things secret from the abuser, for example who they see, the plans they make, or things they buy. The person may seem scared or anxious about what would happen if the abuser found out about these things. A survivor may not want to tell you the reason for keeping things secret, and may use another reason, for example, ‘I have bought it for them, and I want it to be a surprise‘.

Abusers’ behaviour
Every abuser uses different behaviours, but there are some which are more common. Some of the behaviours you notice will be towards the survivor and her children. Other behaviours may be directed towards you.
The abuser may try to explain, excuse, or defend their behaviour, usually by blaming other people or circumstances, or by saying that their behaviour is because of their love and concern for the survivor. Every situation is different, but some of the common behaviours that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:
>> Seeing or hearing someone using abusive behaviours. For example, you may see an abuser slap or hit a survivor, you may receive an email which humiliates the survivor, or you may see lots of messages (calls and texts) to harass them. The survivor may tell you about the abusive behaviours. You may also hear the abuser brag (boast) about their behaviour, or someone else may tell you what they have seen and heard.

>> Abusers often create ties (links) very quickly within a relationship, or bonds (promises and commitments) which are difficult to escape from. If the abuse happens within a partner relationship, you may notice that the couple move in together within a few weeks of meeting, get engaged or married very quickly, get pregnant quickly, or buy property (for example, a house or a car) together quickly. The abuser may make declarations of love and commitment after a very short time.
If the abuser is a family member, you may notice that they suggest buying property (for example, a house or a car) together, or going in to business together. The abuser may also move nearby, or give money, gifts, or time which has conditions (they expect something in return), or which makes it difficult to challenge them about their behaviour.

>> Abusers will often try to shift blame for their abuse, but also for anything bad or negative that happens. They refuse to take any responsibility. For example, if they lose their job, they blame their boss; if they fall out with their family, they blame their parents; if they find it difficult to get accommodation, they blame the government. And, of course, they blame the survivor herself (and sometimes other people) for their own abusive behaviour.

>> Abusers sometimes have very high expectations (they demand a lot) or standards for survivors, which they themselves do not meet. They may expect a survivor to behave a particular way, to dress or look a particular way, to earn a particular amount of money, to parent any children a particular way, and to do housework a particular way. For example, an abuser may expect a survivor to look tidy, smart, or sexy, but the abuser wears anything they want.
>> An abuser may force or coerce a survivor to submit to them (obey them) in lots of ways. For example, a survivor may have to ask permission to leave the room or the house, to use the car, or to have access to money.

>> There is an overlap between domestic abuse and cruel, unreasonable, and abusive behaviour towards children. You may notice that an abuser expects a child to be much more mature (grown up), responsible, or able than their age, ability, or intelligence allows. For example, they may get angry with a young child for wetting the bed, or not being able to tie their shoe laces. Or they may get angry with an older child for not doing well at school, or at sport.
>> An abuser may tease or shout at a child until they are very upset or crying, and may ‘punish‘ children for accidents, mistakes, or ‘naughty‘ behaviour that a child does not know is wrong. Some ‘punishments‘ will be harsh (hard or mean), unusual, cruel, or last for a long time. Unfortunately, many children who grow up in a home where there is domestic abuse, also experience abuse themselves.

>> There is also an overlap between domestic abuse and cruel, unreasonable, and abusive behaviour towards animals. You may notice that an abuser is unkind towards their pets, including: harsh (hard or mean) punishments, no medication or treatment for illness, physical symptoms, or pain, and neglect (for example, not providing enough food, water, shelter, exercise, or comfort).
>> A person who is being abusive may be very jealous – not just jealous of the people that the survivor sees, speaks to, or works with, but also any activities or hobbies that she spends time on. An abuser may accuse a partner of (imagined) affairs, and this can be an indicator of risk (a sign that the domestic abuse is getting worse, and becoming more dangerous). Often people who are behaving with a lot of jealousy say that their behaviour is a sign of love – it is not.

Abusers’ behaviour towards you
As well as noticing how an abuser behaves towards a survivor, and towards other people, you may also notice how they behave towards you. Sometimes, this can be obvious (clear), but it can also be quite subtle (unclear or hidden). Often, the thing that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues notice most, is how they feel when they spend time with an abuser. Feeling uncomfortable with an abuser makes it hard to know how to act around them.
Some people who are abusive towards a partner or family member, are also aggressive and abusive towards other people. But many abusers are not like this, and some abusers can seem pleasant, reasonable, kind, honest, genuine (sincere), or trustworthy to other people. However, most of the people we speak to tell us that there was something they did not like about the abuser, something that did not ‘sit right‘, even if they were not able to work out what it was.
Some people describe the abuser they know as: ‘a bit strange’, ‘creepy‘, ‘demanding‘, or ‘stressy‘. Other people tell us that the abuser appeared nice to start with, but then ‘turned nasty’ at some point. Sometimes, an abuser becomes nasty towards other people when they have had a drink, when someone challenges or disagrees with them, or when someone does something that they do not like. Every situation is different, but some of the common behaviours that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:
>>Direct abuse from the abuser. This can include any of the types of abuse that the abuser uses against the survivor – psychological and emotional abuse, physical abuse, and harassment are most common. An abuser may threaten to harm you, your property, your pets, or the people you care about, or they may be physically violent towards you. They may also try to intimidate, belittle, criticise, harass, or manipulate you.

>> An abuser may behave differently towards you, depending on your gender. If the abuser is male, and you are male, they may alternate (switch) between trying to ‘win your respect‘, trying to ‘compete‘ with you, and being aggressive or abusive towards you.
If the abuser is male, and you are female, they may be ‘flirty‘, ‘creepy‘, ‘smarmy‘, or ‘inappropriate‘ towards you. The abuser may make you feel uncomfortable by talking or acting in a very sexualised way.

>> An abuser may try to stop the survivor spending time with other people, including you. Abusers often try to sabotage (break up) survivors’ relationships, and they use lots of different ways to do this, including directly targeting friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues. An abuser targets a survivor’s relationships to try to isolate them and to make them more reliant on the abuser. They may falsely accuse you (directly, or by persuading the survivor) of being a nasty person, of not supporting the survivor or their relationship with the abuser, or accuse you of ‘causing trouble‘. This behaviour is designed to cause tension (a difficult relationship) between you and the survivor.

>> People who use abusive behaviour can be hypersensitive (easy to offend or ‘prickly‘), taking everyday set-backs (for example, getting a parking ticket) as personal insults. Abusers may react to any comments, and feedback from you as a personal attack, and if you express views and opinions which are different from theirs, they may take this as direct criticism.

>> Another behaviour you may notice is an abuser trying to get you to collude (join or support) their abusive behaviours. This can be subtle (unclear or hidden), and sometimes people do not realise until later that this is what has happened. A common example is when an abuser asks friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues to persuade the survivor to do something which the abuser wants her to. The abuser frames it as for the survivor’s benefit or wellbeing, so that people think they are helping their friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague.

More information about how you can help