We know from speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, that one of the most difficult things to understand, and to cope with, is a survivor deciding to stay in an abusive relationship. Or, if they leave/end the relationship, and then return to it (see leave-return pattern).
You may find it difficult to understand why someone stays in a relationship with a person who is being abusive, or why they leave/end the relationship, but then stay in touch with an abuser.
And many of the people we speak to, tell us how they struggle, at times, not to feel angry or frustrated about the decisions a survivor is making. And then they feel guilty and upset with themselves for feeling cross about the situation. These are very common impacts – and people usually feel this way because they care about the survivor, they want her to be safe, and they want the situation to be resolved (the relationship to end).
It is important to look after yourself as you provide support to someone who is in an abusive relationship. It is even more important to do this, and to consider how you are being impacted by the situation, if you are supporting a survivor who continues to experience abuse over a long period of time.
If you feel able to, there are many things that you can start doing or keep doing, even if the person you are supporting stays within the abusive relationship. And, perhaps one of the most important things, is to understand some of the common reasons why people may struggle to leave or end abusive relationships.
Reasons why people stay & ways to help
From the outside, it can be difficult to understand how complicated abusive relationships can be, and how much fear and danger are involved in the leaving/ending process. There are all sorts of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, and it can be helpful to learn about these, so that you understand the situation from the survivor’s point of view.
This may also help you to think about how you can continue to offer support during this period of time. Being patient and kind in your support, and ‘being there‘ in a variety of ways as you offer help and support over time is useful. And there are also other things you can do which are connected to the reasons why people stay.
Every situation is different, but some of the common reasons why women stay in abusive relationships, even if they want to leave, include the following:
>>Hope that the abuser will change or that the situation will get better
Abusers can be very clever at manipulating people, making them believe (by their words or actions) that things will get better, or be different, in the future. Sometimes they do this by saying ‘sorry’, making promises that they will change, or by using gifts, kindness, and loving words or gestures towards the survivor. These behaviours can be part of a cycle of abuse, and have a particular purpose for the abuser – to keep the survivor within the relationship.
If someone is really hopeful that things will get better, they will probably find it hard to hear any views which challenge this, and they may distance themselves from you if you strongly share opinions which are different to theirs. What you can do, is to ask gently for more information about these hopes for change. So, for example, if the person says that an abuser’s behaviour has been kind recently and that they think this is the start of a big change, you could ask them questions about whether the abuser has been kind in the past, what changes they are hoping for, and how they will know if those changes have happened.
In this way, you are not confronting the survivor with a different opinion about their hopes, but you are giving them space to think through what their hopes are, what this means for them, and whether the hopes are realistic (likely to happen).
>>Fear for safety
Women who are experiencing domestic abuse may be scared to end the relationship. They may be fearful for their own safety, the safety of people they care about (including children), and the safety of pets. Abusers often make threats to hurt, injure, or kill a survivor, or her friends, relatives, or pets, if she makes the decision to leave.
An abuser may also threaten to damage a survivor’s property or possessions, or to share intimate images of them. Having lived in the abusive relationship, survivors are often aware of the violence and abuse their partner or family member is capable of, so their fears are realistic. And domestic abuse IS dangerous, with the risk of harm increasing at the end of a relationship.
A survivor’s fears about what will happen if they end an abusive relationship can sometimes seem unlikely to other people. However, in a lot of cases, the person who is experiencing the abuse has a much better idea about the risk of harm than the people around them.
Never try to persuade someone that the risk is less than they believe it is. If the person decides to remain in the relationship, the best thing you can do is seek help and advice yourself from specialist services to find out how dangerous the abusive situation is, and how you can support the person you know to leave safely, and remain safe, when they are ready.
You could also let the survivor know that you are concerned about her safety (and the safety of her children) and, if she is happy to talk with you about this, there are general safety tips you can share. In an emergency* call the police on 999 (*an emergency is when you, or other people, are not safe and in need of immediate help).
>>For the sake of children
If children are part of the situation (for example, the survivor has children or the abuser has children), a survivor may be concerned about the impact on the children if she ends the relationship. A survivor may feel that children need 2 parents/parental figures (or contact with their extended families) in order to thrive – in the UK, there are strong societal and cultural opinions about this, and particularly about the rights of parents to interact with their children, even if a parent behaves abusively towards their children, or towards other people.
It can be difficult for women in abusive relationships to challenge these ideas, both internally (to consider their own thoughts about these ideas) and externally (worrying about the judgements of other people, including professionals). Abusers often make threats to contact social services, or to declare that a survivor is an ‘unfit mother‘ if she decides to end the relationship. Understandably, this can make a survivor very nervous about losing her children.
A survivor may also want to protect, or stay in contact with an abuser’s children. She may worry about what the end of the abusive relationship will mean for these children.
Survivors may also be concerned about the impacts on their children of changes which happen as a result of leaving the relationship. For example, less contact with important people in their lives, and moving area, house, and schools.
If a survivor feels that she is doing a good job of being a mum, it may make it easier for her to feel that she could parent her children on her own – this may overcome one barrier to leaving/ending an abusive relationship.
If someone is worried about parenting children on their own, there are a things you can do to help. Possibly the most important, is to support them as they parent their children, by helping build their confidence. If you see them using good parenting skills, (for example, being kind, consistent and respectful, setting good boundaries, and staying calm) encourage them by giving them positive feedback.
No parent gets everything right, but unless a child is at risk of harm, try not to criticise, compare, judge, or take over. Instead, be kind – share your own parenting challenges or difficulties with the survivor, and gently discuss how each of you could do things differently. You could also share ‘support for parents’ resources with her, and perhaps go though them together.
Another thing that you can do, (without criticising, judging, or blaming) is to let the person know that you care about their children, and that you are worried that they might be affected by the situation. By gently expressing your concern, this may help you to talk together about the environment that children need to feel safe and to thrive.
Of course we know that domestic abuse impacts children, but the effects of changes which happen as a result of leaving are usually less (especially long term) than the effects of living in a home where the abuse continues. Most survivors under-estimate how much of the abuse their children have seen, heard, and experienced, and, for many women, the main reason for ending the relationship is to protect their children.
Some trusted friends and family members take a bigger role in the lives of survivors’ children, and this can be very important for both the survivor and their children. It can reassure the survivor that she has other adults she can depend on, and it also gives the children a greater sense of security. But, every situation is different, so this is not necessarily a role that all friends and relatives are able to take on.
>>Love
Love is sometimes the hardest reason for people outside of the relationship to understand – many people struggle with the idea that it is possible to love someone who is behaving abusively. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse. And, even if feelings of romantic love, or love for a family member, become less, survivors often still care about the person who has been abusive.
Abusers often use these feelings to manipulate a survivor’s behaviour. Saying things like, ‘If you loved me, you’d do what I ask‘, ‘You wouldn’t do that if you cared about me‘. But they also use these feelings to try to prevent a survivor from leaving. Abusers often make threats to harm or to kill themselves, if the survivor decides to end the relationship. And sometimes they even carry out these actions, knowing that this will cause the survivor distress, and feelings of guilt (even though the survivor has done nothing wrong).
From speaking with survivors, we know that they often feel conflicted (have a mixture of feelings) about the love and care they feel for an abuser, and that it is important that these feelings are not judged, dismissed, or ignored by other people. Every situation is different, but for some survivors, even though they want the abuse to stop, they do not want the abuser to suffer as a result of the relationship ending. Some survivors also miss their relationship with the abuser when they leave.
By gently asking open questions about how the person feels towards the abuser, in a supportive way, you will give the survivor an opportunity to think about what their feelings are, whether they have a mixture of feelings, and whether the feelings have changed over time.
Listening well and responding well will help your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague to work out how they are feeling, and how these feelings ‘fit’ with the abuse they are experiencing, and the risk of harm in the relationship.
>>Stigma and shame
Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of shame and stigma which remain.
By ending a relationship which is abusive, a survivor may feel that their experiences of abuse will be highlighted to other people. For example, that they may have to explain to others why the relationship has ended, or explain why they have made particular decisions and choices.
A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. In particular, survivors say that they worry about letting their parents or their families down, worrying that these people will be disappointed that the relationship has ended.
One of the ways you can help someone who is feeling embarrassment, shame, or stigma about their experiences of domestic abuse, is to reduce the silence. Feelings of shame often remain, or grow, if we do not let ourselves talk about difficult experiences. This does not mean that you need to talk directly about the person’s own experiences, especially if they are not keen to do this. But, by talking about domestic abuse more generally, you can help to bring it out into the open. You might chose to share some information that you have recently learnt about domestic abuse
For example, ‘I found out that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse, that’s so many people. That means we will all know someone who has been through it‘
Or, you could use a recent news story, or a soap opera/TV storyline, to start a conversation. By talking about domestic abuse, without necessarily talking about the person’s own experiences, you can give lots of helpful responses and messages . Talking together about the experiences of someone who is not known to you (for example, a celebrity, or a character in EastEnders) can feel easier for some women than talking about their own experiences. And by talking in this way, you can let the person know that you would not judge or blame someone experiencing abuse, and that you would always want to help
For example, ‘Did you see how Yasmeen’s friend helped her in Coronation street? It made me so angry that Geoff was treating her like that. I’d always support a friend who was experiencing abuse‘
>>Practical reasons
Some women experiencing domestic abuse have very little access to the resources (money, accommodation, transport etc.) and support that they need to leave a relationship. For some people, it can be a choice between remaining in the relationship, going into a refuge, or making themselves homeless. Abusers often isolate people from their family and friends in order to control them, and these are the people who may be able to help with both resources and support.
If a survivor is isolated from the people who care about her, she may feel that she has nowhere to go, no way of getting away, no access to money, and no idea where to go for support (including support from professionals). She may not know that some of her family and friends would be willing to help with these things. Thinking about and making plans to leave, while you are still in an abusive relationship can feel scary, overwhelming, and impossible. These are big changes, which are difficult to make, especially if the abuse has impacted a survivor’s self-esteem, confidence, and independence.
Survivors are often worried about how they will manage practically (without money, accommodation, transport, and childcare) if they end an abusive relationship. There are lots of ways that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues can offer practical support, but women within an abusive relationship often do not know that people are willing to help in this way, or they feel embarrassed about asking for practical help.
Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. You do not have to talk about the abuse itself to let the person know the practical things that you are willing and able to help with.
For example, ‘You know that if you ever need a bit of time to yourself, you can come and stay with me, don’t you?’
‘I’d always be willing to have the kids for a few hours if you need to go to any appointments, or sort anything out’
‘If you ever want to get some advice/open a bank account/find out what your rights are, I’d be more than happy to come with you, if that would be helpful‘
By offering practical help, even if the time is not right at the moment for the survivor to end the abusive relationship, she will know that support is there.
It is also good to recognise that the timing for leaving an abusive relationship can be really important, especially because the danger may increase at the point of leaving. Even if a survivor wants to end the relationship, or has been thinking about leaving for a while, she may not feel ready for this to happen. Helping someone to think about the barriers (things stopping them) to ending their relationship, can help them to find solutions, and find a way forward.
Sometimes there is a trigger point in an abusive relationship, when the person who is experiencing abuse decides to take immediate action. At this point, it can be really helpful if you have thought in advance about how you can offer support as they leave/end the relationship.
But the end of an abusive relationship does not always happen like this. Sometimes people realise that they are experiencing abuse, and decide that they want to make changes, but plan to take action in more gradual ways (one step at a time), often around a particular point in time (for example: the start of a new year, the birth of a child, children leaving home, or starting a new job).
Whichever way a survivor chooses to leave, or to end the relationship, your patience and on-going support for her are really important. Please do not under-estimate how difficult it can be to support a survivor long-term, and to cope with seeing and hearing about the abuse over time. As you offer support, do also think about the impacts on yourself, and make sure that you look after yourself.
If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse
More information about how you can help
