Your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may decide to tell you about the domestic abuse they are experiencing. This disclosure (telling you what is happening) may be because you have asked gentle questions, because you have seen or heard the abuse, or because the survivor feels that it is the right time to tell someone they trust.
And, of course, if a survivor does talk about what is happening, it is really important to listen. Listening well to someone, particularly if they are going through a difficult experience, can be really helpful for them.
Most people feel that they are good listeners but actually, listening well to someone who is going through a tough time, can be difficult to do, especially if they are someone you care about. Your concern, worry, love, and care for the person means that you are not listening as someone separate from the situation, but as someone who is connected with it, with all your own thoughts and feelings about it.
Listen well
If your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague feels that you are interested in them, and that they can trust you with the information they share, they are more likely to be open and honest about what is happening.
If a survivor starts talking about their experiences or relationship, try to listen with an open mind, and a supportive attitude, even if you do not agree with everything the person is saying. It is also important to be patient, so try not to jump in if there is a silence, and let the person take their time to talk. Some experiences cannot be talked about quickly; it may be difficult to find the words, or to find the courage, to say things which are hard. Giving the person time and space to talk, at their own pace, is important.
And, making eye contact and having an open body posture (facing the person, without crossed arms, and not fidgeting, or getting distracted) can also be really helpful, because these things let the person know that you are really interested, and that you are concentrating on what they are saying.
We all make mistakes from time to time when we talk with other people, and some mistakes are unhelpful AND really common. Some of our mistakes stop the other person from talking, and make them feel that they cannot have another conversation about the abuse, at a later time:
- Talking too much yourself – listening well means that the other person will talk more than you do. And, whilst it is OK to gently ask questions, from time to time, to check that you have understood what they are saying, it is not helpful to keep interrupting them. It is better to let the person speak freely without interruption, saving your questions for a natural gap in the conversation
- Turning detective – trying to investigate or probe for more detail than you actually need to know, or than the person is comfortable to share. It is important that the person shares only the information that they want to. If you push a survivor to share more than they feel comfortable with, this may make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. This may stop them from talking to you again in the future
- When it is not your relationship, it can be easy to fall into the trap of offering too much advice, and too many opinions, which are often simplistic (too simple), and do not take into account how the other person thinks and feels about what is happening. Being given too many opinions can make things more confusing, and a survivor may feel that you will be cross with them if they do not follow your advice. It can be hard to wait until the person asks you what you think, or for your advice, but it is much more helpful to do this
- Being critical, judging, or blaming – if someone starts talking about what is happening in their relationship, the last thing they want is to feel blamed, criticised, or judged for the abuse they are experiencing. You may not agree with some of their decisions or choices, but if you say this to them, especially if you say it in a strong way, it is likely to affect how they can relate to you. In some situations, it can also be unhelpful to criticise (say bad or negative things about) the abuser, and their behaviour, when you are talking to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse – the survivor may decide to stay in the relationship or return to the relationship, and the things you have said about the abuser may create tension (a difficult relationship) between you
Listening well
Listening badly
Respond well
Once you start a conversation about what is happening by asking gentle questions, and listening well to what the person says, the next thing you can do, is respond well. How you respond can make the difference between the person continuing to seek help, and the person feeling that they will not, or cannot, talk about their experiences, or seek support again. Responding well to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse is a mixture of saying helpful things and doing helpful things to support them.
Say helpful things
We know that responding well is not always easy, especially if you are caught off-guard (surprised or shocked) by the information someone shares, or if you have strong thoughts or feelings about what they say. In particular, you may be worried that you will say the ‘wrong thing‘. It is OK to be honest with the person about this, and to let them know that you want to help, but that you are worried that you might ‘get it wrong‘. This creates an opportunity for an honest and open conversation, where the survivor can let you know whether what you say is helpful or unhelpful.
Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that, for them, responding well means putting to one side their own opinions, judgements, and feelings for a time, so that their reaction is not clouded with these. This does not mean that you need to stay silent. It is about moving your response away from your own thoughts, feelings, and needs, towards the other person – helping the survivor to consider what they think, how they feel, what they need, and want they want to do. You can still be genuine and honest with the person, but it is about prioritising (putting first) their thoughts and feelings during the conversation.
Some of the really important messages to communicate to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse include:
>>You matter
>>I believe you
>>It is not your fault that the abuse is happening
>>I am concerned and worried about you
>>I want to help
>>You can talk to me again if you want to
You really do not need to have all the answers to respond well – if you focus on the needs of the other person, and respond with kindness, you will be helping the person to talk about what is happening, and this will break some of the silence, stigma, and shame around the abuse.
As well as giving these important messages to a survivor, another way to respond well is to encourage and empower them to make their own decisions and choices. Because of the tactics used by abusers, survivors often doubt themselves, doubt their gut reactions, and doubt their ability to make good decisions and choices. Supporting a survivor of domestic abuse to make their own decisions and choices can be very freeing for the person – it can help them to recover their self-esteem (what they think and feel about themselves), their sense of self-worth (how much they value themselves), their confidence, and their power and agency (ability to take the actions they want to).
Ask open questions
Another way you can respond well is by asking open questions. The person you are supporting may want to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, by talking about the options out loud. Encouraging them to do this, so they can make their own choices, and weigh up (decide between) the different options, will help them to trust their own judgements (ability to make good choices).
If a survivor wants your help to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, you can support them by asking open questions – these are questions which do not have a simple ‘yes‘ or ‘no‘ answer, and which do not steer the person towards a particular answer or response. Often these questions start with ‘What‘, ‘How‘, ‘When‘, ‘Who‘, and sometimes ‘Why‘. Using these types of question will empower the survivor, because you are not telling them what to think or feel, or what to do, you are supporting them to decide for themselves. Below are some examples of open questions you could ask:
Because you care about your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, and you want to see the situation resolved (fixed or ended), you may feel that you want to take control and ‘sort it all out‘. You may have thoughts about rescuing the person, challenging the abuser, or trying to make the relationship end. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us how uncomfortable it is when a survivor is not making the choices and decisions that they want her to. It is not unusual to have these feelings, and it can be difficult to accept that the situation is not within your control.
We know from speaking to both survivors of domestic abuse, and to people providing professional and informal support, that if other people try to ‘fix’ the situation, it can make things worse, and sometimes more dangerous. Only a survivor can decide whether they want to, or feel able to, leave or end a relationship. If they do decide to leave, they must decide when and how to do this.
If friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues try to take over and make decisions for a survivor, their behaviour can feel similar to that of an abuser – even though this is not their intention (what they want to happen). The person they are trying to help may distance themselves from other people, which puts them in a more vulnerable position. Also, if someone confronts or challenges the abuser, or lets them know that they know what is happening, the abuser may stop the survivor from seeing other people, or may ‘punish’ the survivor with more abuse.
Keep ‘the channels of communication open’
If someone has told you about the domestic abuse they are experiencing, you may wonder what will happen next. We know that there can be quite a long time (months and sometimes years) between a survivor talking to a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, and them leaving the abusive relationship forever. Elsewhere, we give some tips and suggestions about how to continue offering support over time, but one of the things which is really important is to keep ‘the channels of communication open‘. What we mean by this, is staying in touch with the person, letting them know that you care, and from time to time asking some gentle questions.
This does not mean asking the survivor about the abuse every time you see them. In fact, this may make the person feel uncomfortable, and even stop talking to you, or seeing you. Instead, find ways to let the person know that they can always talk to you about what is happening, if they want to.
Coping with what you have seen and heard
Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that some of the things that survivors speak to them about, are difficult or upsetting to hear. In particular, descriptions of abuse can be uncomfortable, distressing, or worrying to hear, and may impact people emotionally, changing how they feel. It is hard to forget something upsetting that you have heard, so it is important to spend some time thinking about the overall impact of the situation on you, and to find ways to look after yourself.
One particular challenge that people describe, is knowing how to act around the abuser once they know for certain that their friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing abuse. People describe the tension they feel; wanting to challenge and confront the abuser, and defend the survivor, but having to pretend that they know little/nothing about the abuse. This is really hard to deal with, and there are no easy answers. Some people try to see the survivor alone, and avoid the abuser, if possible; other people have little contact with the abuser, ‘put up a front‘ when they see them, and pretend they know nothing about what is happening. Both these solutions allow friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues to stay in touch with survivors, without putting anyone in more danger. BUT people do find any contact with an abuser hard, so please think about the impact of this on you, and about ways to make sure you are OK.
Do helpful things
As well as saying helpful things, there are also helpful things you can do. These include signposting people to (telling them how to access) professional specialist help and support, keeping a record or log about what is happening, helping the person to think about safety, and offering practical help:
Signpost to professional help
Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women who are experiencing domestic abuse can feel very alone and very responsible as they try to help. Connecting a survivor to professionals, who can offer specialist help and expertise, is a really good thing for both the survivor, and for you – so that you share the responsibility.
The person you are supporting may not be ready to speak to anyone else about what is happening, particularly professionals. However, this does not need to stop you from finding out about the different types of help and support available, or contacting some of the specialist organisations for women survivors of domestic abuse to find out more about what they can offer.
Getting advice from these organisations will help you to understand how you can support a survivor, and will also help you to know the support options available. It is really useful to be able to share this information with the person you are supporting when they are ready to reach out for help.
You can contact many of the specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the person experiencing domestic abuse is.
Record what is happening
Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors tell us that, although they did not think about it at the time, they wish they had kept a record or a log of what was happening. A log can be useful in two ways: (1) when a survivor doubts herself and her recollection (memories) of incidents or events, a record or log can reassure her that her memories are true, that she is not misinterpreting (confusing or mistaking) what happened, and that she is not ‘going mad’ (2) a record of events might be helpful if the situation results in legal proceedings (if crimes are committed, if an injunction is needed, or as part of the processes of separation and child custody arrangements).
If you decide to keep a record or a log, make sure it is stored somewhere that is safe and secure, where others will not find it. As well as writing information down, you may decide, if the survivor agrees, to take photos of any injuries or property damage.
We cannot say for sure that keeping a record or a log will always be helpful to a survivor, or that it will be acceptable as evidence in court, but even if it cannot be used in these ways, you may find it useful yourself, to help you to remember exactly what happened.
Suggested details to record
- Dates and times of incidents or events
- How you know the information (whether you saw the incident, or whether someone told you about it)
- Any details about what happened (include specific information where possible, for example, any injuries, actions, or particular words used)
- Whether anyone else witnessed the incident, or the impacts of the incident
- Whether any professionals were involved (for example healthcare staff, police, or social workers)
- Whether any children were present when it happened
Think about safety
Domestic abuse is dangerous, so it is really important to think about the safety of the people involved in the situation (the survivor, any children, and those trying to help – including you). People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have strategies (plans of action) in place to try to reduce the risk of harm. These strategies may not make sense to people outside of the situation, but we know from speaking with survivors, that many people try to anticipate, foresee, or predict when the situation is about to become dangerous, and take action to keep themselves safer.
If the person is still within the abusive relationship, it is OK to let them know that you are concerned about their safety (and the safety and impact on their children), and to give them space to talk about what they are doing to stay safe. Try not to criticise the strategies a survivor has in place, and instead encourage them to seek professional support for safety advice.
If a person has decided to leave or to end an abusive relationship, it is important to help them think about how to do this safely, including how to remain safe afterwards. Rather than making someone safer, the end of an abusive relationship is often a dangerous time, and can increase the risk that the person will be harmed.
Please do not feel that you have to take on all the responsibility for keeping a survivor safe. Specialist organisations and professionals for women survivors of domestic abuse can provide support to create safety plans, both for reducing the risk of harm within the relationship, and for leaving the relationship. It is a good idea to get in touch with these organisations and to share their contact details with the person who is experiencing abuse.
As well as professional support, there are some general tips that you can share with your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, especially if they are still in the relationship:
Safety Tips
- Encourage the person to pack an emergency bag and to hide this in a safe place (for example, at your house, their workplace, or the gym) in case they need to leave their house quickly. If it is difficult to bring a whole bag at once, they could bring one item at a time from their house, over a period of time. Useful things to put in an emergency bag include: important documents for the survivor and for any children (for example, passports and birth certificates), spare keys to their home or car, money or bank cards, medicines, some clothes, and a few of the children’s favourite toys or books. It is really helpful for people to be able to just leave if they need to immediately (straight away), without having to try to find important things
- Help them to work out a plan for leaving, including: who they can call, where they can go, and how they will get there. It can be really difficult to think about these things quickly, so helping the person to plan in advance can be useful
- Agree a codeword with the person, so that they can let you know if they are in danger or upset. Also, agree a plan about what you will do if they use the codeword. For example, Will you go to their house? Will you call the police? Or, Will you call someone else for them?
- If they have left the relationship, the person may need to change their contact details (address, phone number, email address etc.). They will also need to think carefully about who to share their new contact details with. Some of the people they know will also know the abuser, and may not keep the new contact details secret
It is also important to remember that you may be at risk of harm (including direct threats, violence, and abuse), particularly if the abuser thinks that you know what is happening, or that you are helping the survivor. The risk of harm to you is most likely if you are are helping with child contact arrangements. If possible, do not share your contact details (address, phone number, email address etc.) with the abuser, and try not to be alone with the abuser.
Offer practical help
There are lots of ways that you can offer practical help and support to someone who has experienced domestic abuse. Survivors tell us that the practical support they receive is really important. One of the reasons why people stay in an abusive relationship, is because they do not know how they will manage practically (without money, accommodation, transport, and childcare) if they leave. Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. These are some examples of practical help you may be able to offer:
Practical Help
- Contact support organisations or specialist helplines for the survivor, or share useful resources with them. You can contact many of these specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without having to tell them who you are, or who the person experiencing domestic abuse is. You can also let the survivor use your phone, or your computer, to contact these organisations, or to search for information
- Offer the survivor transport to appointments, and go with them if they want you to. Some survivors find it helpful to have another person with them when they talk to professionals, not only for emotional support, but also to help them remember what the professional said
- Help the person to move to somewhere safe. For example, help them to find a place to rent, or to find a refuge space. Help them to move their belongings, and to go to their new accommodation.
- Provide childcare (look after their children) so that the survivor has time to think, to plan, to attend appointments, and to receive support
- Let the person stay in your home for a short time. This is not always be possible (or even safe, if the abuser knows where you live). If you are able to let your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague stay for a short time, or in an emergency, this will give them space and opportunity to work out what to do, and where to go next
These examples of practical help are some of the common things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues do. But, there are lots of other things that may be useful. If you are not sure what support a survivor needs, just ask them.
More information about how you can help
