The person is hiding the abuse – why is that? what can I do?

You may be in the position where you suspect (or know) that your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing domestic abuse, but the person is hiding the abuse.

This can be confusing, frustrating, and worrying for you, but there are often really good reasons why a survivor does not tell people what is happening.

Every situation is different, but there are some common reasons why women do not disclose abuse (tell other people what is happening). We will describe some of these reasons below, and suggest some ways that you can still help:

People who are experiencing harmful behaviours from a partner or family member may not think of their experiences as domestic abuse. For some people, this can be because they have had previous relationships which have also been abusive, or because they have seen similar behaviours in the relationships around them, either as a child or as an adult. If this is the case, they may think that the abuse they are experiencing is a normal part of any relationship.

Another reason why survivors do not always think of their experiences as abuse, is because some abusers alternate (switch or change) between behaving well and behaving badly – this cycle of behaviours can trap a survivor into thinking that the person really does care about them, or that the person will eventually change. This can make it hard for a survivor to recognise the relationship as abusive.

Also, abusers often blame survivors and tell them that the abuse is their fault. And sometimes an abuser will tell the person that the abuse is for the survivor’s own benefit or protection. If these lies and blaming happen over a long period, it can be really hard for a survivor to trust their own sense of what is happening. Again, this makes it difficult for them to recognise that they are experiencing domestic abuse.

The abuser may have threatened to harm the person, or other people, if they tell anyone about what is happening. It is common for people who are behaving abusively to threaten to kill, injure, or hurt survivors, or to damage their property, or share intimate images of them. It is also common for abusers to make threats about harming children, friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues, and pets.

These threats can be very scary for people experiencing abuse, because they are often aware of the violence and abuse their partner or family member is capable of. Fear for safety is one of the main reasons why people stay in an abusive relationship.

Some of the survivors we speak to, do not tell the people close to them about what is happening, because they do not want them to be anxious or worried. This is particularly true of people telling their parents. Many survivors are also very aware that their friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues have their own lives and their own worries, and do not want their experiences to be an extra ‘burden’ for other people.

Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of stigma and shame which remain. Many people are shocked and surprised that it has happened to them, because they think that domestic abuse happens to other people. A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. 

It can be difficult for a survivor to know how other people will react if they tell them about the abuse. It is common for an abuser to tell a survivor that no one will believe them, and the survivor may think that this is true. They may also worry that you will be cross with them for ‘putting up‘ with the abuse, or that you will try to take over and make decisions for them.

Many survivors are also concerned that if they tell someone who cares about them, that this person will challenge or confront the abuser; harming the abuser, themselves, or making things worse for the survivor. Responding well in the situation can mean knowing what not to say and do, as well as saying and doing the right things.

Love is one of the hardest reasons for people outside of the relationship to understand. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse. And, many survivors are not ready to make changes in their relationship, because they hope that the abuser will change or that the situation will get better.

After being in an abusive relationship for some time, a survivor’s self-esteem (what they think and feel about themselves) and sense of self-worth (how much they value themselves) can become so low that they do not feel that they deserve to be treated well (with love and kindness). Some survivors are also worried about what they will lose by making changes, particularly if they feel that this is their only chance for a relationship or for a family. The abuser may have given repeated messages over a long period of time to make the survivor believe this.

Making changes can be scary for lots of reasons. A survivor may be scared about how the abuser will react, and what they might do; scared about what other people might think; and also scared about what any changes will mean practically. For example, making the choice to leave or to end an abusive relationship might mean: leaving home, going into a refuge, changing location, moving children to new schools, changing jobs, and coping with less money. These are big changes, which are difficult to make, especially if the abuse has reduced the survivor’s self-esteem, confidence, and independence.

Sometimes there is a trigger (something that happens) to leaving or ending an abusive relationship; when the person who is experiencing abuse decides to take immediate action. But it does not always happen like this. Sometimes people realise that they are experiencing abuse, and decide that they want to make changes, but plan to take action in more gradual ways. Sometimes this can be around a particular point in time or event (for example, the start of a new year, or the birth of a child).

Even if the person is not telling you what is happening, there are still useful things that you can do to help.

The first is about keeping the channels of communication open between yourself and the survivor. What we mean by this, is staying in touch with the person, letting them know that you care, and from time to time asking some gentle questions. If you can, stay in regular contact, so that the person knows you are there for them. If the abusive person tries to stop your communication, you may need to be creative about staying in touch. For example, meeting the person when they go to the supermarket, or phoning them at work.

Asking gentle questions about the abusive relationship is important, but if you are worried that this is creating a distance between you, it’s OK to talk about other things for a while. Changing your conversations to more general talk allows your relationship with the survivor to continue, without them feeling under pressure. You can always return to asking gentle questions about their relationship another time.

The second thing you can do is to prepare yourself in advance. By learning about domestic abuse, and by finding out about the organisations you can signpost the survivor to, you will be ready when the person tells you what is happening. You can also contact some of the specialist organisations yourself, to find out more about the support they offer, and take a look at some of the available resources.

I knew from the moment I saw them together that something wasn’t right. I can’t remember whether I thought he was hurting her, but I could see he was being horrible, even in front of us. I’d tried asking her about it, but she kept saying she was fine and making excuses about how he was being. Stuff like, the kids had wound him up. I really wasn’t sure where to go with it, but I figured that she’d tell me when she was ready… There were times when she’d cancel seeing me, and I’m sure it was because he’d said, ‘no’. I started going to the park near her house with the kids, so that we’d bump into each other. I also read up about domestic abuse to help me understand her situation more, and I found out about our local domestic abuse charity… I decided that the best way to be a mate was to stay in touch and to be ready for when she wanted to tell me…

(Rachel, friend to a survivor)